December horoscopes: a look into your future

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Refrain from eating asparagus this month, and next month… and the month after that. Actually, the world’s ending anyway, so don’t even bother. You always look great in long socks, but unfortunately they shrunk in the laundry with other “delicates.” If you learn the Gangnam style dance, you will be visited eternally by Korean ghosts. Don’t mess up on your next test; you will pay dearly in your allowance money.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Lucky you, you’ll survive the end of the world! Or will you? You should take up painting, it’s a great way to express your feelings. Soon you will be entrusted with a hideous family heirloom, but you’ll lose it, and your mom isn’t actually related to you. Christmas sweaters are cursed so beware of  them. Be careful when you’re sleeping or eating or stealing, you’re being watched… by Santa, that is.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): You are in for one tough month. Looks like you chose the wrong time to quit drinking… orange juice. Soon you will win concert tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. Watch out for crazy, screaming, crying honey badgers; they will attack anyone, they don’t give a…  Avoid sleepovers at all costs; Colonel Mustard will be in the Billiards Room with the candlestick. Oh, and your significant other is going to shatter your heart. But don’t worry, next month will be better.

Pisces (February 18-March 20): Moisturize your skin with sunscreen; it works, just ask Nick Estes. Someone is going to drop twenty dollars today, and when you go to pick it up a laughing  elf will steal it from you! Drive carefully, your carburetor is going to explode all over the place. Everybody is so full of Christmas cheer, they will randomly bust out in song like in High School Musical! Don’t join in, everyone knows you suck at singing.

Aries (March 21-April 19): As much as you enjoy wearing corduroy, just remember that it’s extremely flammable. When the clock strikes 12:12, close your eyes and hop down the hallway on one foot while singing “I’m Sexy and I Know It.” If you find yourself in Brazil, don’t question it; you’re meant to be there. For Christmas, your parents are planning on giving you an old fashioned lamp. Better luck next year!

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Don’t try to find the back building; it burnt down in 1987. Today you’re going to meet someone new and special to you, but don’t worry. Within two weeks you will come to realize you both hate each other because that’s just what teenagers do. You’re going to have a sudden urge to make a red velvet cake, fight it. That’s a sign that you’re going to die in seven days. Also, go out and buy yourself a pair of red leather snake-printed pants.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): You should refrain from eating chocolate this month. Just kidding, that would literally be the worst thing you could ever do. You’re going to see a short bald man; you MUST run up to him screaming, “Oh my Gosh- Danny Devito! I love your work!” Right now, you’re eating a dorito and peanut butter sandwich. In the next few seconds, throw it across the room; that will create a great diversion so you can steal Senor Montano’s He-Man volleyball trophy.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): This month you are going to win the lottery, so it’s too bad it’s only ten dollars. For good luck, lick your elbow and hug the person sitting two rows in front of you in the third seat to the left.  Your parents are keeping something from you, you should be very worried because they’re going to bring it up at dinner tonight. The next book you read will change your entire life, so may the odds be ever in your favor. That’s either a large house cat or a small mountain lion sitting in the back of your truck. Be careful.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Keep calm and remember that Christmas is only seven days away. But you are on the naughty list, so expect some coal this year. Watch out for your grandma’s gingerbread cookies; they’re planning to revolt against you while you’re sleeping. If you enjoy eating the occasional bowl of Trix, it’s time to switch it up! Try Lucky Charms, they’re magically delicious. Your hair is going to turn slightly green this month. You know why. Use ketchup to help get that lively color back.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): You’re going to take a visit to Whoville, where you will meet the angry sea lions in Happy Feet. Over the river and through the woods, you will find many gold rocks which will turn out to be inexpensive pyrite. You will sell them on Ebay as real gold only to find out that your neighbor bought them and is demanding their money back. Don’t give it back; they’re always mean anyway. At all costs, stay away from people that put leashes on their cats; that’s just weird.

Libra (September 23-October 22): Quick! Update your Facebook status as “It’s Snowing!!” or else no one will know. Make sure that the chips and salsa are prepared for your Spanish themed Christmas. Use catnip wisely in the next few days; you never know when it will come in handy. The next time you’re in a convertible, dance crazily while shouting, “MY HAND IS A DOLPHIN!” The abominable snowman is after you; don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Someone in your life is going to criticize you. Don’t worry about it. You know they’re just jealous. Bro code #37: always wear crocs with knee high socks when wearing shorts.  It is completely necessary that every morning you sing Call Me Maybe to your turtle while wearing a chain and a turtleneck sweater. Twitter is the new rage this year, so make sure you end every sentence with an octothorpe. #HappyHolidays #SantaIsWatching #Hashtag #ChristmasBreak